Withdrawal Symptoms

I mentioned earlier that I would post a medication update. I’ve gone through a few old posts and noticed that I’ve said many things that I didn’t do so, I’ll try harder 🙂

I take quite a few medications for depression and anxiety but, starting about 4 months ago, I started having weird reactions. At first I thought it was the medication and that they needed to be changed but, come to find out, it was actually me not eating properly while taking my medication on top of migraines, stress and looking at screens all day. Quite the combo.

It really all started out with me gagging all the time. It was so bizarre and freaked me out. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why I was having this strange reaction and it would happen so frequently. Then, I started to develop migraines.

I’d never had a migraine in my whole life and it was always something my mom and sister suffered from. But one day, it hit me while I was at work in a meeting. Needless to say, I felt like shit. Pressure behind my right eye, blinding lights, head throbbing.

I drove 40 minutes to my therapy appointment and told her I just couldn’t do the appointment today. I thought I’d try but my head really hurt. She completely understood and I drove back home. I laid on the couch and tried to do absolutely nothing, then I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. However, I didn’t feel nauseous at all. I ended up just walking to the bathroom and throwing up. Kind of alarming but then I remembered my sister’s reaction to migraines being the same.

I just went to lay in bed, lights off, relaxing. Once I began to feel better and the headache was gone, I went to the living room to hang out with my husband and watch TV. He ordered food because I hadn’t eaten all day and things were going fine. I felt fine, I ate my food and had a few laughs before that pressure behind my eye came back.

Fuck.

I remember putting the food up and just chilling on the couch. I closed my eyes while he watched TV and then just got up and got sick again.

This happened sporadically over the next few months but, for 2 weeks in row, it really knocked me down.

I would try to eat, but couldn’t. I threw up anything I ate and, for some reason, food then began to taste like ash or cardboard. That’s the best way I can describe it. It was so gross. My husband would buy my food and I just couldn’t eat it. He’d tell me I need to because I have to eat on my medications, especially while taking klonopin. I just sat there, poking and prodding my food like a little kid and silently crying. Why was this so difficult?

I tried eating a few pieces of lettuce, gagged and eventually threw up again. It was super shitty. I was so weak because I couldn’t eat otherwise I’d get sick and I needed to eat otherwise I’d get sick. It was an endlessly shitty cycle.

So for days, I was literally just laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing but sleeping. I don’t think I’d ever slept that much in my life and I didn’t even feel bad about it. I probably slept 80% each day.

I still randomly gag and get sick every once and awhile, but not as bad as it used to be. However, I can definitely tell when I need to eat more because if the way I gag. So weirdly gross, I know.

Also, have you ever had withdrawal symptoms because, dear lord, it sucks. I take klonopin and ran out for about a week. I couldn’t get a refill because I need to see my doctor first, so I just did my best to get through the days. Unfortunately, those days got worse.

I ended up feeling completely confused, then my head got cloudy and I couldn’t process anything people were telling me. It was like everything I was doing and everything around me was going in slow motion.

I ended up getting cold chills, felt sick and got massive migraines behind my right eye again. I would eventually go home and just throw up.

One night, I just curled up on the floor crying because I kept throwing up. I felt miserable because I didn’t feel like myself at all. Even on my way to the doctor, I stopped at a gas station to grab a water and couldn’t put my card in the card reader because my hand was shaking so much. I had to hold it with my other hand to steady it.

I apologized to the cashier saying that I was super cold. She probably thought I was on drugs, which she wasn’t entirely wrong.

Anyways, long story short, they have been trying to ween me off the klonopin, but even taking half a dosage makes me feel awful. I also keep having so much shit go wrong that, if I don’t take the full dosage, I get so pissed off and depressed. It’s no picnic then.

So, where to go from here? Well, I suppose try to find alternate ways to alleviate stress, spend more time doing things like drawing, reading or writing rather than watching TV or being on the computer (hard though when you are at a desk the majority of the day.) However, I have started a story that I’ve contemplated putting on here. I thought it might be a nice change of pace to have a chapter to the story every now and then.

I need to eat regularly but that is also challenging with my dislike of food and the inflation of prices. I think I got like 20 items or less and spent $100. Don’t even get me started with gas prices.

I’m trying to get motivation to be more active, as well as working on taking better care of myself cosmetically. Such as, at home facials, makeup, face & body creams, and sea salt scrubs in the shower. I’ll do a nice routine, then lay in bed with my essential oils and read. It’s very quiet and relaxing. I’ve started to incorporate a healthy light snack as well, mainly grapes.

On top of that, I’m trying to not think about the past or comparing the past and the present. I’m working on simply moving forward. However, this is probably the hardest one yet.

So, if I started posting my story on here every once and awhile, would any of you be interested in reading it?

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