How Depression has effected Vaginismus for me

I’ve noticed that I’ve had to put working on vaginismus on hold for quite some time because I needed to manage my depression. My therapist and psychiatrist said that, “Since your depression is fatal, we need to focus all of our attention on that first.”

So, that’s what I’ve been doing. Unfortunately, the outcome of that has turned into me not even understanding or remembering what intimacy is. I don’t remember the feeling of romance and intimacy just sounds gross to me. I’ve pushed it back so far in my subconscious that I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it to resurface. I honestly can’t even envision it resurfacing. 

It makes me feel selfish, guilty and even more depressed. I thought that I would have overcome vaginismus by the time I’m 30 years old, but instead I’ve lost what little feeling I had left. 

I was told by doctors that it will be a wasted effort to get my endometrioses surgery at this point, even though I’m in pain, because I have to have sex to see if it helped my vaginismus at all. Clearly, I can’t even comprehend that. Since intimacy feels gross to me, you can only imagine what goes on in my head when I think about sex. My brain basically just explodes because I don’t understand it anymore. Therefore, I can’t even get Botox for vaginismus because I need to find out if the endo surgery helped me at all. 

Anyways, it’s been a mess. I’ve been trying everything in my power to help my depression, like saying to myself over and over again, “I will be happy,” listing three things I did every day that I’m proud of, and even listening to affirmations. I’ve tried meditations, aromatherapy, more deep breathing exercises, getting rid of Facebook, only following basic accounts on Instagram, drawing more, exercising more, and opening up more to try new things (ex. Kpop; Kdramas). The biggest “self-intervention” I’ve done is learning a whole new language. 

On the bright side, learning a language has always been on my bucket list and I have dabbled with new styles and mediums of drawing.

The Facebook group I’ve created for vaginismus is pretty much running itself. I only pop on occasionally to accept people and approve posts. I find it’s too stressful to read everyone’s story. I don’t know if that makes me selfish, but I’m just trying not to trigger my depression even more. 

In terms of medication, I switched psychiatrist months ago (thank god) and have been put on a new medication to try and help my depression. The new psychiatrist is much more personable and actually listens to what I have to say. She was actually appalled by what the previous doctor prescribed me. In fact, she was very upset he put me on Klonopin and that I’ve been on it now for about 3 years or more. She said that we will have to tackle that beast later because taking me off of it might do more harm than good. Currently, I’m on 3 psychotropic medications and then Metformin, since the medications he gave me caused me to gain so much weight. It’s nice that I’m back to what I was, but I’m incredibly frustrated that he went against my wishes and put me on medication that caused weight gain. I can’t even look at my wedding photos because of how much weight it caused me to gain. Not the greatest for someone who already has body dysmorphia issues.

In all honestly, my time has purely been devoted to keeping my head above water. I do feel lonely, which is one of the reasons I came on here. However, I don’t have anything relating to vaginismus that I can talk about at the moment or in the foreseeable future, which is what my blog was all about. Talking about vaginismus makes me sad and uncomfortable, so even if I did have something to write relating to the topic, I don’t think I could.

Depression and vaginismus are very much tied together, but how has one effected the other for you?

9 thoughts on “How Depression has effected Vaginismus for me

  1. Hey, I too had to pause my vaginismus journey in order to prioritise my mental health. I haven’t used my dilators in close to 2 years.

    It’s definitely tough to have to juggle weight gain on psychiatric medications. Although I didn’t experience a lot of that, I’ve had friends experience fatphobia at doctors and of course that’s super triggering for body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

    It feels really wrong to be denied endometriosis surgery because you can’t have PiV sex? So intense and prolonged pain every month is A-ok because you’re not having 1 particular type of sex?! Sounds really misogynistic of the doctors, no offence.

    You deserve a life that’s more than enduring emotional and physical pain. I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice, but I really hope things get better for you.

    The mental health community here is kind, and so I come here because people understand. Or even if they don’t, there’s care and support. Really different from Facebook where the algorithm prioritises certain types of posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I totally think it sounds misogynistic too. My doctors are male but my therapist is female. She definitely agrees with you!

      Since you haven’t used dilators in 2 years, do you find yourself not interested in intimacy at all?

      I agree about the mental health community here being very supportive. In fact, I was incredibly surprised by it when I first started blogging because many people online are cruel. I was so anxious. However, because they continued to support me, I stayed. Unfortunately, I haven’t been on here much lately, but I’m gradually moving forward.

      And Facebook is horrible! That’s why I completely eliminated it from my life. I only approve posts and accept people into the group, but I never go to my personal page. Even with the group, I’m on for about 5 seconds. I would just feel terrible deleting the group, since it’s helping many people.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I do have interest in intimacy but it’s never been more than really low, due to depression and anxiety and of course, fear of pain. My partner doesn’t mind if we can’t have PiV, but I feel guilty anyway.

        (When we’re physically in the same location – we’ve been long distance thanks to covid.)

        However I definitely have self esteem issues that are worsened by my vaginismus. As my depression lifts, I feel my really low desire goes up, but then I run into “oh I can’t even fit X size dilator” during webcam intimacy.

        Definitely post as much or as little as you feel comfortable with! 💜

        You could probably find another admin for the Facebook group, then you can ditch Facebook forever. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad you are able to find intimacy! That’s great your partner isn’t upset that you are unable to have PIV right now. I understand the feeling of guilt. I feel guilty about all of it. Depression, anxiety, depression, uninterested in intimacy, etc. It just worsens the depression.

        I should lol I have actually considered looking for a new admin to be honest 💙

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hugs. A recovery group I’m in had an admin do just that. She wrote a post saying she’d like to step down and asked for people to volunteer. Saying that after a certain time, she choose the person and then transfer admin. So it’s probably win win for the group and her. 💜

        Putting your mental and physical well-being first is definitely important. Despite the guilt. Easier said than done I know. 💙

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s a really great idea. My problem is that I don’t have another individual who can be admin.

        It’s sad because I have just come across a situation where a select few have basically told this guy to get out of the group. He message me about it so I went in to try to mitigate the situation. It’s things like that that really bother and stress me out.

        Hugs back. I’m going to try to post some fun blogs on here to hopefully make things a bit more positive.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. When my depression is at its worst the last thing I’m thinking of is dilating! I was on a really good dilating roll and got through two sizes in about 2 weeks and then I had to stop for a while because I was too down. It’s hard – they both definitely intertwine. It’s a vicious cycle.

    What is the Facebook group called may I ask?

    Liked by 2 people

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