When you are living with depression and anxiety, then vaginismus on top of that, it can be hard to hold onto relationships.
You are constantly struggling, but ultimately feel guilty that you are bringing another person into your mess. You feel like you are ruining another person’s life and holding them back from having happiness.
They may tell you they are sad because you are sad or that the depression is making them feel depressed. That eats away at you because you don’t want them to have their personality changed because of your struggles.
They may also say they don’t know how to make you happy and are feeling distant because nothing they say seems to help. That breaks your heart because all you really want is to not feel alone in all of this.
They may mention that the lack of intimacy is hard on top of it all and that guts you because you are working extremely hard to overcome depression, vaginismus and your fear of intimacy. You already know the lack of intimacy is a big problem in the relationship, but hearing it said by that person is more painful than anything.
When you feel anxious and cry to them that you are worried they don’t love you anymore, you just want them to tell you that everything is fine and that they do still care about you and don’t resent you, even though you know things are a mess. However, when they don’t do this but instead tell you the above comments, you can’t help but fall deeper because all of those fears and anxieties you had were just proven true. Not only were they proven true to you, but they were told to you at your most vulnerable time.
These things make you wonder if you are just a burden to others. They make you wonder if you are hurting more people than you are helping. Is it worth it? Am I worth it when I cause so many people grief around me?
I’m trying extremely hard, but when people say they don’t know how to help me, they don’t understand why I’m sad, or that they will become resentful if it’s like this our whole life is discouraging. You already feel hopeless and worthless, yet these words just ring in your ears, replaying over and over again next to that little voice that reminds you that you are a failure.