These past few weeks have not been the best for my depression. The episodes I’ll have are so severe that I sometimes can’t control my own actions or even what I say. Much of this has to do with vaginismus. The feelings of sadness, worthlessness, guilt, anger, frustration and disappointment come to my mind straight away. I want to have an intimate relationship with my spouse. I want to be able to actually have sex with him and not just watch TV together. I don’t want to be anxious about intimacy of any kind. I want to be able to love like everyone else. I desperately want to be happy and I don’t understand why I can’t feel that.
I’m tired of people giving me stupid responses like, “You just need to try harder,” or “You’ll get there if you stop being so depressed about it.” The brain and body doesn’t work like that, especially for those struggling with mental illness, and I’ve spent the majority of my life working hard on my conditions. I wish they could jump into my shoes and see what it’s like so that they can truly understand the struggle and torment that’s felt daily. It’s not easy to get out of bed. It’s not easy to get on social media. It’s not easy to keep up relationships with friends or family. The sadness is overwhelming, and they are just constant reminders of what I haven’t been able to achieve.
I’m slowly rekindling that feeling I used to have of wanting kids, but then I become worried that I won’t overcome vaginismus to do so or that, if I do overcome it, I’ll just relapse and struggle with vaginismus all over again. I desperately don’t want to relapse if I manage to overcome it. That would break me.
I don’t need people telling me extremes, like to “look on the bright side” or make fun of vaginismus. I simply wanted to vent because it’s a daily battle, and I know I can’t be the only one.