It’s time for a change!
I don’t view this as a negative. Everyone needs change in their life! Lately, I’ve been feeling really depressed and I don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole again. My depression could be heightened because of the whole Day Light Savings thing and lack of Vitamin D, but vaginismus just causes me to dig myself into a deeper hole. So, I’m going to change some things up for myself!
Hair, eating habits, exercise routine, style, drawing, volunteering, etc. I haven’t had a hair cut in probably 3 years…or longer. When I look at it, I can only envision straw. Plus, I’ve only colored it once in my life and that was in High School. It wasn’t even dramatic! Just a few shades darker. On top of that, I feel super ugly and self-conscious, so I want to start eating even better than I was and pushing myself to workout, even when I don’t want to and it’s late.
I started drawing again because it’s been so long and it used to be my main way of expressing myself. I also put in an application to volunteer at our local humane society about 3 weeks ago, but their Volunteer Coordinator quit, so it’ll be awhile before I hear anything back. But I definitely want to do something productive to help give back to the animals. I always try to donate, help rescue and advocate for them, but I want to do even more.
I’ve been having a hard time with the whole not having kids thing. I remember my sister and I picking out names for our kids when we went out to dinner together, even in High School, before I knew I had vaginismus. We would talk about our kids getting together for family gatherings and picking up Holiday traditions when we needed to.
With vaginismus, I’ve lost a big portion of my life simply enjoying sex before getting older. I mean, I never have had pain free sex and I’m 28 and married. We haven’t even had sex or been intimate since we got married. Plus, if the Botox procedure is something that I can have done and it does help me to overcome my vaginismus, having kids can really mess it up again. My vagina has already been through enough, and I don’t want to have to go through years of trying to fix it all over. I know for a fact that if I never had vaginismus, I’d have kids.
One of my main nerves of no longer having vaginismus is, “What if I’m still terrified of intimacy?”
I’ve always equated my lack of intimacy with vaginismus, but what if I’ve always been afraid of being intimate? I would always tell the people I was in a relationship with that once I no longer had vaginismus, I wouldn’t be so nervous with intimacy and that everything would be normal. What if it isn’t?
I’ve been trying to push that to the back of my mind because I don’t want the anxiety of intimacy and vaginismus to not be connected, but I honestly have no idea. I mean, how could I?
My therapist mentioned that sex counseling is something that I’ll definitely need to do, which I already knew. There is no way I can just jump into sex. I’m way too nervous. It makes me feel self-conscious, violated, insecure, vulnerable, etc.
I’m currently doing research on “re-learning intimacy,” so that I can ease my mind.
These are just some of the ramblings I think about with vaginismus. Thoughts, questions and concerns are always flooding my mind. It does become exhausting, and it’s no wonder why so many women with vaginismus become depressed.