When a song is super relatable to you…
We’ve all been there, more than once.
You know what I mean? There’s a song you hear on the radio and you stop what you are doing and go, “Holy hell! That song is about me!”
We all know it’s not, but sometimes songs are scarily accurate to your life in that moment and are extremely relatable.
I’ve had so many songs feel relatable to my life, but this one really stuck with me. Taylor Swift’s new song, The Archer, is definitely one that speaks volumes.
Songs are meant to be interpreted differently for different people. Obviously, Taylor Swift interprets it different than John Doe. However, my interpretation reflects how it relates to my life.
It’s pretty obvious by now that you know I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and vaginismus. Most of my experiences with men have been terrible, and I’ve felt exactly like the prey to them. In addition, all of the relationships I’ve had, even my current one, struggle because of my issues. Sometimes they are emotionally abusive, due to their own issues or due to their reaction to my vaginismus. Luckily, my current fiance is perfect, but tables have turned and now it’s me who is ruining things.
Recently, I discovered that I can be quite cruel when I want to be, and lash out in anger when I become overwhelmed, thanks to my lovely friends, anxiety and depression. Never before did I have that problem. I always regret it, and feel absolutely guilty, but I’m too stubborn to take back what I said, so the words just sit in the room swirling around the stale air.
The song begins when she talks about how she is ready for combat. She claims she doesn’t want it, but thinks to herself, “but what if I do?”
Honestly, same. I used to be in a relationship where all we did was fight. Well, he would argue and yell at me while I sat back and took it, wondering why I was such a problem and how can I fix myself. I think a part of me misses that excitement and the challenge for some messed up reason, so I subconsciously start fights in my current relationship to fill that void. It’s like I’m searching for a dark side in him, but what if I’m actually the dark one?
It’s stupid and wrong, but I subconsciously found myself doing it after the “honeymoon phase” and confirmed it during a therapy session.
Sometimes you learn things from past relationships that help you in your next one, but then sometimes you unknowingly take away the bad habits and become the worst part of your new relationship. To sum everything together, once I was the prey and now I’m the archer.
It’s an incredibly lonely feeling. You know you are the cause of all the bad things happening, but have a hard time getting it together. You literally became your worst nightmare and can’t wake up.
What makes things even more difficult is the endless guilt and shame. You feel terrible that you’re such a bitch or a Debbie Downer, especially because you can’t offer intimacy as a way to bring the two of you back together.
My fiance is also only human. He gets upset and mad too. When I say things to upset him, he will say things back in defense. It’s normal human behavior. However, after I let all of the words I said sink in and I’m left alone in the room, the depression hits hard. It literally feels like I’ve jumped from the train and I’m on my own. As she said in her song, “I never grew up, it’s getting so old.” I have literally regressed in all of my positive and good behavior when it comes to relationships, and I don’t know how to turn it back around. It truly is getting so old…
The depression makes me feel helpless and worthless. I keep making mistakes and causing so many problems that I feel like a waste of space. I tell my fiance he deserves better than me, that he deserves a relationship that isn’t so much work. I tell him he deserves a relationship where he can have fun and enjoy all the romance a relationship offers.
But despite all of it, I want him to help me hold onto what we have. “Help me hold onto you.”
Because of my mental health and the vaginismus, I constantly ask myself, “Who could stay?” Why would anyone want to stay with me? I constantly find myself pacing the apartment at night, crying my eyes out, asking the universe why I’m even still here.
I think my favorite lyric from the song is when she says, “All the king’s horses, all the king’s men, couldn’t put me together again.” This hits home. No matter how much dedication, comfort and kindness my fiance gives me, I feel absolutely helpless. I feel like no one can fix who I’ve become. It’s up to me, and through therapy, I’m working on getting there.
What song do you find relatable to your life?