It’s difficult to put into words the horrific feelings and relentless emotions I feel daily. Right when you think things are going well, that feeling of hoplessness catches you off guard. You fall back into your own distant bubble, away from everyone else, because you perceive yourself as a burden to others. Who wants to be around someone so depressing?
Those heavy thoughts in your mind weigh you down, drowning you and making you feel like you are going insane. It would be so much easier to sink than swim, and those thoughts scarily surface the mind with ease.
On top of the internal conflict of self doubt and worthlessness that you are having with yourself, you also carry around the guilt of not being able to be intimate with your significant other.
Sure, being in a relationship isn’t solely about sex, but after 9 years of physical and emotional pain and guilt, it begins to wear on your psyche. You want the touch, the feeling, the closeness, the sensation and the pleasure that you’ve never experienced before. But, instead, you watch the grey world from your bedroom window, while others remind you of how colorful everything is.
The topic of sex has become so intertwined within our culture that it’s mundane to discuss with most people. However, I’m that 5%, who hears about any sexual topic, and simply walks into the bathroom to cry.