Since I’m going to write this book as a memoir, I have to find a way begin again. Scrapping my previous pages wasn’t as heartbreaking as I thought it would be, and I think that’s because I knew the story wasn’t as powerful as it could be. Here is a very rough draft of a segment of my book. Please, provide constructive criticism! I will be working with this second book a lot longer than the first, since it is my story. I won’t self-publish it until I know that it is exactly what I wanted.
Where do I begin? That seems to be the hardest to determine when writing your story. I began writing this as fiction, but soon scrapped those pages and decided to write about me. Sounds presumptuous, I know! However, determining to write down my story through my eyes was not an easy decision. In fact, it took me months to even obtain the courage to tell the world my secrets and my feelings, past and present.
Disclaimer for all of you out there, who may be involved in my story one way or another. I want to stress, wholeheartedly, that this story is my life events through my eyes only. Those involved, whose names have been changed for privacy reasons, probably saw the same situations differently. They probably even felt different than I did in certain scenarios.
Think about an argument you had with a friend. I’m sure the argument from your side of the story put you in place as the victim, while your friend’s version of the story placed herself as the victim. We all view the same situation very differently. It’s often why police want multiple witnesses’ stories when conducting an investigation. We also play different parts in the same story based on who is telling it.
So, with all that said, I’m going to be extremely honest and say that these events could have unfolded differently or could have been viewed entirely different than what I remember. My story is not meant to punish anyone, nor is it to get people to feel sorry for me. I’m simply telling my story to inspire and educate women, who are struggling with vaginismus, and want more substance than words from a textbook. I’m simply telling my story to show that you are not alone.
Triggers are a big thing when dealing with vaginismus. Some women have physical events that triggered their vaginismus, while others suffered from non-physical events. The more I worked with my therapist, the more I found out that I was in both categories. Stress, anxiety, fear, emotional abuse and sexual assault are types of triggers in both categories mentioned above. Some women go their entire lives suffering from one of these events and never have to experience vaginismus, while others, like myself, suffer from it daily. It has always kind of haunted me that those in my story, who aided in triggering my vaginismus, get to still enjoy the sexual pleasures of life, while I’m suffering daily because of their actions.
Many women out there can truly relate to this, yet few want to talk about it. There is a stigma surrounding vaginismus that needs to be addressed and then it needs to be broken. So, who is going to start? I guess I’ll volunteer as tribute! I’m no one special, and I think that’s why this story might resonate more with all of you.
*Also, the picture I’ve used as the book cover is not going to be the one used for the final draft. I made it on Canvas and I’m pretty sure Copyright laws prevent me from using their stock images for monetary gain. But I liked it and wanted to share 🙂