That Special Day

It’s sentimental to look back and remember the wonderful dreams you wished for as a child. Everything is new and fresh when you are younger. Your hopes and expectations were always high. You haven’t been exposed to the stresses, heartbreaks and hardships of the adult world yet. As a younger you, you chased your dream and fantasized with your girlfriends about which Backstreet Boy you planned on marrying. Life was easy, less complicated and you were so excited for what the future held for you when you got older.

Now, as I’m sitting here writing, I wonder why the world deals us those specific cards. You know, the ones that cause you so much pain it feels unbearable? I can still remember sitting on my best friend’s bed in high school laughing and fantasizing about our perfect wedding and honeymoons. Eating our weight in junk food, listening to Lifehouse and reading Cosmopolitan.

Even though I’ve gotten older, the fantasies about a perfect honeymoon still swim around in my head. I picture what my wedding will be like, what I wish the honeymoon would be and if I will look pretty in my dress. However, the deck of cards I was dealt was never in my fantasies growing up. I never had to worry about a sexual dysfunction or anxiety with intimacy in my fantasies. The “dream” me simply had a wonderful and romantic time with the person she loved. Unfortunately, that special day is finally drawing closer. That moment I have been waiting for my whole life, and I can’t help but be disappointed and depressed.

I’m starving myself to fit into a size two dress because my medication has turned me into a size ten. I’m also avoiding any honeymoon suites or nice hotels because that only reminds me of what I cannot have. I’m also hoping to avoid all of those people, who will try to make our day into something it can never be—something with passion, romance and a special vacation that most people reminisce about in their older years.

I guess I shouldn’t say such things when I’m so lucky to be marrying a wonderful man who loves me. A wedding and honeymoon should not be about sex or intimacy, it’s just unfortunately been labeled that thanks to our society. While many people will spend their honeymoon in the hotel room, we will be spending it enjoying fun activities, and I think that’ll be just as memorable….I hope.