Can’t sleep: 4am thoughts

Yesterday, I spent some time trying to put things into perspective. Vaginismus is complex, and there are a myriad of issues that can trigger it. Mine is not a physical trigger; therefore, I’m working on discovering why I ended up the way that I did. The issues from my past, anxiety in my youth, schooling, and upbringing all contributed to where I am now mentally and emotionally (and now physically). I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to offend anyone. It’s not like I wasn’t loved, so I find it unfair to simply say, “upbringing,” but I have no idea how else to word it.

My fiance and I are working our butts off to find a way to make this all go away. I’m staying up late, unable to rest my eyes, because I’m either swimming with unwanted thoughts (like many people) or wide awake and ready to find a way to fix this. The reason I’m so focused and transfixed on my vaginismus now is because of the person I’m sharing my life with. I feel love for him that I hadn’t felt before, and I want to make our future together as beautiful as I possibly can. I hate that he has to go through the struggle with me, but he patiently does by some miracle. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk into my life.

We both agree that things are stressful in our lives right now and that is not making my vaginismus any easier. Even for him, being as calm and collected as he is, sometimes finds that he is stressed out. Trust me, that’s saying a lot. Once things settle down, we find a good place to live and have better, less stressful jobs, I think I’ll be able to really work on my vaginismus and finding a good mental state. However, I’m also hopeful I’ll be able to gain enough donations for the Botox Treatment.

I’m excited for the book to be available for everyone, but I’m also anxious. I’m anxious that things won’t work out and I’m anxious that all of it was too good to be true. It all happened so fast and I hope, with all my heart, that I am still a valuable asset to this program that is being put together. Everything I have ever wanted lies with this possibility. I have been working, literally for 8 years, on something like this. I want to make women feel like they aren’t alone. I want to give women a book that is relatable. I want to give them something that is real, from a perspective of those struggling with the same condition as them. This book is like my baby. It’s vulnerable, it’s open, and it’s a nice lead into a more in-depth book I have been trying to write for years now.

I’m not entirely sure how to close this off. Simply saying, “Have a Happy 4th!” sounds stupid and I’m not even a huge fan of the holiday. Ugh, I suppose the best that I can do is that if you want to check out my Facebook page on Living with Vaginismus, click here.


Featured image credit: Free-Photos

One thought on “Can’t sleep: 4am thoughts

  1. Oh, you sound so sad. And obviously so stressed. I won’t tell you not to worry, you get to, your an adult. You are going through so much right now and the process of book writing is no joke! (I was there!) A lot riding on your shoulders… realize this. Do what you need to do, stay well, and fight on! With kindness and care, for you and your fiance’, keep those lines of communication open and don’t forget, he’s a lucky guy to get such a beautiful, intelligent lady as yourself! Sending you healing thoughts for patience and clarity! ❤ Kim

    Liked by 1 person

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