Boudoir Session and recent emotions

So I finally got my photos! It definitely took long enough, but in their defense, they moved to a whole new facility a few weeks after my shoot. As expressed in a previous blog, the experience of the shoot was exciting and helped me to gain back some of my sexual confidence. Then, when I received the pictures, I was also suffering from low self worth thanks to vaginismus and depression. Unfortunately, the pictures did not have the same magical effect on me as the photo shoot did. I think looking at my body in pictures is difficult, because I see the imperfections, even if others don’t, aka my fiance. It also made me a bit depressed to see my fiance view the photos and that I was able to catch a glimpse of sadness in his eyes. Whether people like to admit it or not, vaginismus does effect everything, especially relationships.

Lately, the vaginismus has been getting to me more than usual. It could be because every day the wedding draws closer, and so does the honeymoon. This perfect image I have had in my head since I was a teenager of my honeymoon consisting of giggles, laughter and lovemaking is turning into a dream that I can only wish for. No one should have to dream up their honeymoon and never actually live it.

I haven’t written on here in awhile because there was nothing to say except for negatives. Today, I was even just reminiscing on past sexual experiences and began to cry. I never really did that before. Now, I don’t know if this is a breakthrough mentally, but I found it helpful to release some of that tension that I didn’t even know I was keeping bottled up.

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Also, I’m not sure how many people are fans of 13 Reasons Why, but I love it. I watched the first season when it initially came out and found it extremely relatable to my own story. Today, I just finished the second season and cried my eyes out at the end. Ugh, so many tears happened today!

Needless to say, I surprised myself with my own emotions and how I was keeping things bottled up. I am one of those individuals, who have a difficult time expressing their emotions, and I also feel denial or guilt when I think about the negative sexual encounters I have had. Bottling things up is not healthy. I know that now. It’s okay to cry it out sometimes. It does not make you weak.

Since some of you are probably curious, and maybe only came on here because of the photos, here are a few pictures from the shoot that I’m comfortable sharing. Overall, my photos did not reveal much. I think my bathing suit is more revealing haha!

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9 thoughts on “Boudoir Session and recent emotions

  1. Pingback: Boudoir Session – The Militant Negro™

  2. These photos are gorgeous!

    I learned I had primary vaginismus after my honeymoon. I’m sure things would have been very different if I had known beforehand. There probably would have been a lot of tears. 😦

    My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night so I was VERY nervous. Even without knowing I had vaginismus, we still did just outercourse during our honeymoon.

    I feel sad sometimes that we didn’t have a “magical wedding night.” However, I tell myself we’re still like most couples in many ways. We have good sexual experiences and super awkward ones. There are many nights that leave me in tears but we keep moving forward, as difficult as that may be sometimes.

    Always remember your fiancé loves you for more than just your body and sex. Marriage is so much more than getting in bed together. It’s a journey of stubbornness and forgiveness, both with yourself and your spouse.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s lovely:) I’m so sorry you couldn’t experience the honeymoon you wanted, but it sounds like it eventually turned into something even more special. Thank you for these words of wisdom. I will have to keep that in mind during the years that follow 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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