If you have read any of my previous blogs, you will know that I have a hard time with intimacy. It’s no surprise that vaginismus makes one afraid of intimacy. Sex hurts, so your body wants to avoid that pain at all cost. Add on top of that depression and anxiety. The depression brings back a lot of negative emotions for me from my previous relationships, making it difficult to be in the present moment. Anxiety causes my muscles to tense up and also brings about a sense of apprehension with sex and affection.
All of these mental and emotional blocks are taking away a very special bond that I want to share with my fiance. Lately, it’s been even more difficult for me to express intimacy and showcase my affection. I’ve noticed that my PC muscles are always tense, no matter how much I try to relax them. However, I do not want this condition and my past struggles to control me. I refuse to let it win and hurt my dream relationship.
I know that many people want to tell me that I need to just “get over it” or “try harder to move away from the past because you have such a happy future.” Everyone sees my fiance and I and tell us how lucky I am and what a wonderful life we share. I know all of these are true, but when you are dealing with the struggles first-hand, it is not as easy to move past these battles as you might think. It takes a lot of hard work, work that I am constantly toiling with. I know that my fiance and I sometimes get into heated discussions about the lack of intimacy, but at the end of the day we always find support and strength in one another. I just wish I wasn’t afraid and nervous to add intimacy into that beautiful equation as well.
Even though this inner demon has been a real downer for me to endure this past week, I have hope again, thanks to my amazing therapist, who is working hard to help me get through this and overcome my fear of intimacy.
Many girls that I have recently talked to have expressed that dealing with vaginismus is a very slow process. It truly is, but I know that it has got to get better. I have to continue to stay positive and work hard on the exposure therapy that my therapist continues to teach me.
I won’t lie, some days are going to be rough and I will most likely vent on here about them. However, having determination is better than feeling defeat, and I am determined to get through this.
Just like I keep telling others, I need to keep reminding myself that I am enough ❤