For me, the Holidays are sometimes the worst when it comes to my anxiety, depression and dealing with vaginismus silently.
Whenever there are family get togethers, I often times feel like the odd one in the room. I’m very quiet, I always get nervous or anxious around groups and, when it comes to giving hugs, I feel extremely awkward. My family is big into hugging, but I’m always so nervous when there is close contact of any kind.
Since few people know about the vaginismus, and of course no one really wants to talk about it, I always become a tad depressed. It’s so silly because I completely understand why no one would want to bring that up. They might think it’s embarrassing to talk about and it’s also such a deep and personal topic. However, to be completely honest, it’s much more difficult for there to be so much silence about it.
I figured that once the blog came out, my family and friends would become aware of the struggle and my personality would make much more sense to them. Or, if anything, they would be open to converse about it. Apparently, it didn’t make much of a difference outwardly though. I mean, maybe because I came forward with my daily struggle of not being able to have sex at all, they now find me weird on a whole new level. Who knows?
I hold myself together even though, before the medication, I would drink alcohol to feel relaxed and calm during these holiday festivities. I do wish I could still drink at the get togethers, because it would make me feel less awkward. Even if I’m not viewed that way to them, I always feel that way regardless.
The depression often times hits me after I leave the parties and I am forced to say “goodbye” to my parents and sister. As I’m driving home, I can’t help but cry in the car. I think of how I wish we could all see each other more often and for longer periods of time. It’s definitely hard to get older and have everyone around you move away. Unfortunately, that is life.
It doesn’t help that I often times come home to an empty apartment afterwards. My puppy is here to keep me company, but my fiance is at work quite a bit. Sometimes, you just need the human interaction to tell you that everything is okay and that you’re not crazy for feeling miserable about the vaginismus. I mean, it’s never easy being alone to begin with, but when you are depressed, you’re simply miserable and nothing seems to brighten your mood.
Then, at the end of the day, when my fiance does come home, I feel like such a burden. I lay all of my feelings onto him and express how I wish we could share intimate moments together. The holidays bring out the worst in me because that’s when love is so thick in the air that it feels like it’s suffocating.
If I could have just one Christmas wish, it would be to overcome vaginismus.