Vaginismus & the Holidays

For me, the Holidays are sometimes the worst when it comes to my anxiety, depression and dealing with vaginismus silently.

Whenever there are family get togethers, I often times feel like the odd one in the room. I’m very quiet, I always get nervous or anxious around groups and, when it comes to giving hugs, I feel extremely awkward. My family is big into hugging, but I’m always so nervous when there is close contact of any kind.

Since few people know about the vaginismus, and of course no one really wants to talk about it, I always become a tad depressed. It’s so silly because I completely understand why no one would want to bring that up. They might think it’s embarrassing to talk about and it’s also such a deep and personal topic. However, to be completely honest, it’s much more difficult for there to be so much silence about it.

I figured that once the blog came out, my family and friends would become aware of the struggle and my personality would make much more sense to them. Or, if anything, they would be open to converse about it. Apparently, it didn’t make much of a difference outwardly though. I mean, maybe because I came forward with my daily struggle of not being able to have sex at all, they now find me weird on a whole new level. Who knows?

I hold myself together even though, before the medication, I would drink alcohol to feel relaxed and calm during these holiday festivities. I do wish I could still drink at the get togethers, because it would make me feel less awkward. Even if I’m not viewed that way to them, I always feel that way regardless.

The depression often times hits me after I leave the parties and I am forced to say “goodbye” to my parents and sister. As I’m driving home, I can’t help but cry in the car. I think of how I wish we could all see each other more often and for longer periods of time. It’s definitely hard to get older and have everyone around you move away. Unfortunately, that is life.

It doesn’t help that I often times come home to an empty apartment afterwards. My puppy is here to keep me company, but my fiance is at work quite a bit. Sometimes, you just need the human interaction to tell you that everything is okay and that you’re not crazy for feeling miserable about the vaginismus. I mean, it’s never easy being alone to begin with, but when you are depressed, you’re simply miserable and nothing seems to brighten your mood.

Then, at the end of the day, when my fiance does come home, I feel like such a burden. I lay all of my feelings onto him and express how I wish we could share intimate moments together. The holidays bring out the worst in me because that’s when love is so thick in the air that it feels like it’s suffocating.

If I could have just one Christmas wish, it would be to overcome vaginismus.

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6 thoughts on “Vaginismus & the Holidays

  1. I can’t imagine the struggle you have living with it, but I really hope you can overcome it someday! 💜 Having people around can make your problems feel smaller, so I definitely understand that. I’m sorry it made it hard for you to enjoy the holiday though

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here’s a question (or two). Does your family openly discuss sex in some radical way I am amiss to perceive? Is sex like talking football or holiday recipes in your “house?” If not, then why is “vaginismus” a concern? [No offense, but your blog starts to look like a long vaginal douche commercial when you mention it at every turn.]

    Anxiety and depression are one thing…well, technically two things. 🙂 They can impact daily life like breathing. But, this vaginal matter. Again, either it’s tied to those other two monsters haunting you, or you are spending a bit too much time focused on your woman parts. [Unless everything you do with your vaginal area is causing you pain? Is it painful to go to the restroom? Painful to stretch your legs apart, say, for yoga? Painful to wash yourself?]

    AHA! So, that’s it. You have an affectionate family with which you feel like the odd duck. This is really starting to come together, now. So, in a way, you ARE the black sheep (in your own mind and, as I said elsewhere, from outside influences that must have traumatized you from an early age).

    So, you cannot drink alcohol while on whatever meds you are taking. Interesting. In a strange way, that also protects you from absent-minded behavior (which alcohol is good at providing).

    Do you see a pattern forming here? It should be strangely relieving to notice how various components in your life are restricting you. Yet, what is unclear is why and where you SHOULD be that would change all the negatives or things that trouble you into positives or positive alternatives. On one hand, you could change your perspective on all of it and learn to live with depression, anxiety and even “vaginismus” as natural reactions to stimuli. Like indulging ourselves with food, we just need to lower our dosage of anxiety and depression (as you lower your dosages of affection so easily). On the other hand, you could steer your life in a new direction which would surprise you when it comes with none of these pains or setbacks and opens you up in ways you had no idea were possible. [It’s almost overwhelming to conceive, myself.]

    I share your sadness. I, too, weep after the holidays because they go so quickly, and I am never satisfied. I think, deep down, there is a part of you that craves for the very affection you resist or dislike right now. I think you struggle with finding a comfort zone in what others find so easy or comforting. And, that makes me sad, too. But, yes, I share your pain with departing from what should be a joyous occasion, when anything that lightens our hearts comes to an abrupt end. It’s like crying after a good movie, not because the story was sad but because it was so well made, it brings me to tears.

    Like

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