You remember that dark tunnel we all face? Yeah, we are going to go down that tunnel and make it out in one piece. I promise you. If you look really hard, you will see the light. You may have to fight a few demons to reach it, but once you get there, a weight will lift off of your shoulders and you will feel peace.
Today was much better. I began to see color again. I began to find the affection that I was worried I’d lost. I know my days won’t be consistent. I understand that one day I may feel bliss, while other days I’ll be terrified that I’m turning into someone I don’t want to be. I suppose the journey of discovery is never easy. There are twists and turns, winding roads and, every once and awhile, you find harmony and you hope that it stays.
You are not the anxiety or the depression. Try to not let it control who you truly are. This is not an easy task if you have ever dealt with either illness first hand. Every day is a struggle. Every day you wonder, “Who will I be today? How will I feel?” Even if you start your day out happy, you may later on become despondent and sit back silently wondering why. The world spins as you cry and wonder, “Why is all of this happening to me?” You feel powerless to stop it, and slip deeper and deeper into despair.
How can we help ourselves when we feel so unmotivated, fatigued and hopeless? I’ve learned that I needed help and that’s okay to admit. Sometimes you need a gentle push in the right direction of your journey in order to tackle the burdens that hold you down. I won’t sugar coat the illness. It consumes you, and many days I wonder if I’m worth it. Is it all worth it?
Then, I think of what would happen if I truly was gone. A tear falls from my cheek and I realize how different many lives would become. Leaving would be permanent, and leaving would cause grief and despair in many. I never want to bring that upon anyone. So, I sit down and breathe. I close my eyes, listen to the music and pretend I am wandering in a green field with the sun shining on my face. Wild horses are running free beside me. A gentle stream flows and soothes my mind. In this place, there is no panic and there is no despair. In this place, I can see only light.
If you have ever spoken to someone who has attempted to end their life, they will tell you that, in that dark moment, they suddenly realized that all of their problems could be solved as easily as blinking. They instantly regretted their decision and wished they could take it back. Many times, people with depression fall into that stupor and think that ending it all will end the pain that they feel. They forget everyone and everything and simply think of how easy it would be. But, in that brief moment, where the blackness takes over, they realize that they don’t really want to do this.
Just know that there is more to this life than depression and anxiety. There is more than just hiding inside of the cage you were locked up in. It’s not your fault you were caged in the first place and, trust me, there is always a way out. The way out is through love and beauty. Love doesn’t have to be with humans either. Love can be the love of anything. Find beauty in the outside world. Find beauty in the little things that make you smile. Find it and you will be set free. You will no longer be chained with the shackles of misery, but instead, you will play in the rivers and run through the forest with the light casting away the clouds.
However, don’t become concerned if that cage finds you again. You always have the key, you just have to find it. Instead of giving up on trying, remember the feeling of that light shining through the clouds and think, “I’m alive. I’m free. There is beauty here.” Everyone deserves happiness, even if society is challenging you. If there were no struggles in life and everything was easy, what would make life worth living? What would keep us thinking and moving forward if the world just handed us everything on a golden platter? The struggles we face shape us. They are a part of our story and, without them, who would we truly be?
You are enough. You are worth more than you think.
Featured image by: TheDigitalArtist